Sweet

Right before his very first sponge bath.

When I was pregnant with the twins I seemed to have one thing that ran constantly through my prayers: please let me be able to nurse these two babies. That prayer was answered. So many of my prayers regarding the twins was answered except for maybe one: an uneventful delivery and postpartum. I think we all remember that shortly after the twins were born, little Eli had to go to the NICU where he spent the next week overcoming low blood sugar and fighting an infection. On the day he came home, I got a horrible uterine infection and had to administer (with the help of my mom) a daily dose of antibiotics via an IV. Then there was the simple fact that we were going on very little sleep and balancing two newborns with a three-year-old. Is it any wonder then that my constant and heartfelt prayer this time around was an uneventful delivery and postpartum? Friends, my prayer was answered. I truly believe we have a Heavenly Father who know what we can handle and apparently I was equipped and ready to handle my experience of 3 years ago, but this time I was blessed with a break. Okay, I see it as a break, but maybe others might think, "What? Those twins are now 3-year-olds and she has a newborn. Wowsa, some break."

Zach's birth actually showed me how deeply I was affected by Eli's stay in the NICU. I don't think I'd really understood it and how difficult and painful it was for me to go home with one baby and leave the other at the hospital until I had Zach. After he was born, they suctioned him out and checked his sugars and low and behold they were low like Eli's had been. It turns out that little babies and big babies tend to have this issue. When they said this to me, I felt an immediate wave of anxiety sweep over me. It was difficult for me to enjoy those first few moment after Zach was born because I was so fearful that he would soon be taken away from me and rushed off to the NICU. We followed the same plan of attack that we'd followed for Eli: nurse, nurse, nurse. We even tried to give him a little bottle of formula. They said they would have to check him periodically over the next 24 hours. It was hugely stressful for me for a few hours but I clearly remember sitting alone in my room with my sweet baby Zach and saying to myself, "Nope, I am not going to let my fear of what could happen rob me of this tender new moment with my baby. I can't control what may happen but I can control my feelings about it." Zach and I said a prayer together and let it go. This time around, things went differently and I was blessed to watch my baby's sugar levels go up and stay where they needed to stay. This time, my baby came home with me.

I have really been enjoying Zach's newborn-ness more than I think I ever have with any of my children. I think this is because Marcus was my first and there is a great sense of anxiety that comes with the first anything. The twins came with a certain level of stress because there were two of them. But Zach came alone and at a time when I feel I have at least a little more of a grip on motherhood. I hold him without fear that he needs to get used to sleeping in his bed. I nurse him when he needs to and wants to nurse and not so much when the clock tells me. I enjoy giving him a sponge bath and watching his sweet face when I wash his hair under the faucet. I don't quarantine the older brothers and refuse to let them hold him because they have runny noses. I feel more relaxed and happy and grateful to a Heavenly Father who knows me and what I am capable of and who pushes me hard sometimes and lets me just sit and enjoy at others. It is undoubtedly because of those "push hard" moments that I am able to savor and enjoy the "just sit" times. Without the bitter there can't be the sweet, right?

And baby Zach is oh so sweet.