My friend,
Melissa Wilson, recently shared this on
her blog and it really rang true with me so I wanted to share. She is expecting her fifth child soon (this is hard to believe because our husbands were roommates and I can't quite think that it's been over a decade since then and now we have all these kids . . .) In this particular post she was talking about some of the key things she's learned as a mom about what her kids need and what she's learning about her role as a mother. I especially appreciated how she acknowledges that being a mom
is a learning and growing process--just because we have a child or children doesn't necessarily mean we know what the heck we're doing!
Here are what I'm calling her "Great Eight
," anyone have something to add? We could make it "Fine Nine" or "Zen Ten." Not sure I can think of a great rhyme for eleven though . . .
- When your kids try to show you something they have made, stop what
you are doing and physically look at them while listening. When they
are done explaining, even if you don't understand half of what they have
said, compliment their work. A "Wow! That is beautiful, " goes a long
way when you are physically engaged with them. But do yourself ONE
better and give them a second compliment on something specific. That
shows them that you're not just regurgitating the same response every
time they talk to you. I have seen this work wonders with Jude. He is
so proud of everything he brings me and always walks away with a smile.
If you don't have three seconds to listen with EVERYTHING you have,
tell them. Explain that you really, really want to see their work - but
you need to do it in a few minutes when you can give them all of your
attention. They usually understand.
- Raise your kids to be polite. Don't just teach them to be polite
to others, make them be polite to you. As awkward as it seems to tell
your kids to thank you for things, they need to be in that habit. Rob
and I usually try to remind them to thank the other parent like, "Wasn't
it so nice that Dad took you to the movies?" Even if I was there -
then it doesn't seem like I am begging for a thank you. My parents
raised me this way, and I am SO grateful that they did. Twenty years
later I still know how much they loved me by their wanting me to be a
great kid. Great kids have great manners.
- Work on the most strained relationship. I will not say that parents
have favorites, but I will say that just like the normal people in our
lives, you get along better with different kids. I also think this
comes with ages and phases. There are just some ages you connect better
with, but that doesn't mean to give up on the kids when they are, well,
awkward! Try harder. Find some area that you can connect with - even
if it is small. I have found that sending "Happy Wednesday," or "I
love you tons," notes in lunches creates a bond and reminds my children
that I am always thinking about them. When your kids are at their
weirdest, love them the most. It's the love during those times that
will get you through till the next phase. Blow it then, and it might be
gone for good.
- Be at everything. When possible, go to your kids events. Even if
it is a forty-five minute, eardrum-busting orchestra concert, be there.
I have seen so many reactions of sad kids whose parents aren't in the
audience: the kids who are dropped off, then picked up. Obviously, we
won't always be able to get to everything, but do your very best. And
if you can't be there, see if an aunt, grandparent, or cousin can fill
in for you. Nothing is worse than putting on a performance for a room
full of strangers. Apologize profusely for the times you can't make it.
Make sure your kids know that there's nowhere you'd rather be.
- Let your kids see you love your spouse. Don't always agree in front
of your kids just for their sake, but don't fight angrily or
emotionally in front of them. Let your kids see you hug and kiss your
spouse. A happy home raises happy kids.
- Sacrifice - sometimes, not always. Yes, you need that break from
your kids, but don't let your kids grow up remembering family activities
that you weren't a part of. Is Dad taking the kids hiking? Go with -
sometimes. Wouldn't it be nice to stay home and relax while the kids
are at that movie? Yes, but they also need to see that you enjoyed
spending your free time with them. They don't always want to seem like
the thing you were most eager to get a break from.
- Don't be phased by all of the creative and Pinterest worthy
activities you see on the internet. It's fun to do something special
for birthdays or IMPORTANT holidays, but your kids aren't going to be
sad that your house didn't rock a red, white and blue breakfast for flag
day. Stretch yourself too thin, and there's nothing left. And
honestly, whose REAL life is that well put together? Not mine! Balloons
and streamers for birthdays, traditions for Christmas and Easter. Your
kids will adore you.
- Most importantly, tell your kids that you love them. Daily. Take
that one step further by telling them WHY you love them. One of my
favorite questions to ask my kids is, "Do you know why I love you?"
They come up with some really amazing answers. Then I get to say
things like, "I love you for being such a great big sister. That makes
me so proud." They BEAM, and you know that they know.
3 comments:
I love all of those! One thing that I have tried to do but I really struggle with, but I don't know if other people have this problem, is never saying anything negative about your children to others, and to let my kids hear me saying good things about them.
Granted, when I talk to teachers and doctors about behaviors that is different than complaining to friends or family or other children, but I can still think about how I'm saying it when I need to communicate where they are struggling.
I have a friend with adult children and I grew up with her kids I've never heard her say a negative thing about them ever. And she has had some hard things with some of her kids like rehab and mental illness, among others. I wish it weren't so hard for me!
Jen,
That's a really good one, too. My grandpa recently printed up his journals and gave them to family to have and to read. My mom was talking to me about it and said that one big thing she'd noticed was that my grandpa never said a negative thing about people--not even in his journals. It really made me think and made me want to be better in that area. I think you are right, we need to be our children's biggest champions.
The heaven eleven alllllright :) I like these they are good
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