Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Mom

My friend, Melissa Wilson, recently shared this on her blog and it really rang true with me so I wanted to share. She is expecting her fifth child soon (this is hard to believe because our husbands were roommates and I can't quite think that it's been over a decade since then and now we have all these kids  . . .) In this particular post she was talking about some of the key things she's learned as a mom about what her kids need and what she's learning about her role as a mother. I especially appreciated how she acknowledges that being a mom is a learning and growing process--just because we have a child or children doesn't necessarily mean we know what the heck we're doing! Here are what I'm calling her "Great Eight," anyone have something to add? We could make it "Fine Nine" or "Zen Ten." Not sure I can think of a great rhyme for eleven though . . .
  • When your kids try to show you something they have made, stop what you are doing and physically look at them while listening.  When they are done explaining, even if you don't understand half of what they have said, compliment their work.  A "Wow!  That is beautiful, " goes a long way when you are physically engaged with them.  But do yourself ONE better and give them a second compliment on something specific.  That shows them that you're not just regurgitating the same response every time they talk to you.  I have seen this work wonders with Jude.  He is so proud of everything he brings me and always walks away with a smile.  If you don't have three seconds to listen with EVERYTHING you have, tell them.  Explain that you really, really want to see their work - but you need to do it in a few minutes when you can give them all of your attention.  They usually understand.  
  •  Raise your kids to be polite.  Don't just teach them to be polite to others, make them be polite to you.  As awkward as it seems to tell your kids to thank you for things, they need to be in that habit.  Rob and I usually try to remind them to thank the other parent like, "Wasn't it so nice that Dad took you to the movies?"  Even if I was there - then it doesn't seem like I am begging for a thank you.  My parents raised me this way, and I am SO grateful that they did.  Twenty years later I still know how much they loved me by their wanting me to be a great kid.   Great kids have great manners.  
  • Work on the most strained relationship.  I will not say that parents have favorites, but I will say that just like the normal people in our lives, you get along better with different kids.  I also think this comes with ages and phases.  There are just some ages you connect better with, but that doesn't mean to give up on the kids when they are, well, awkward!  Try harder.  Find some area that you can connect with - even if it is small.  I have found that sending "Happy Wednesday,"  or "I love you tons," notes in lunches creates a bond and reminds my children that I am always thinking about them.  When your kids are at their weirdest, love them the most.  It's the love during those times that will get you through till the next phase.  Blow it then, and it might be gone for good.
  • Be at everything.  When possible, go to your kids events.  Even if it is a forty-five minute, eardrum-busting orchestra concert, be there.  I have seen so many reactions of sad kids whose parents aren't in the audience: the kids who are dropped off, then picked up.  Obviously, we won't always be able to get to everything, but do your very best.  And if you can't be there, see if an aunt, grandparent, or cousin can fill in for you.  Nothing is worse than putting on a performance for a room full of strangers.  Apologize profusely for the times you can't make it.  Make sure your kids know that there's nowhere you'd rather be.  
  • Let your kids see you love your spouse.  Don't always agree in front of your kids just for their sake, but don't fight angrily or emotionally in front of them.  Let your kids see you hug and kiss your spouse. A happy home raises happy kids.
  • Sacrifice - sometimes, not always.  Yes, you need that break from your kids, but don't let your kids grow up remembering family activities that you weren't a part of.  Is Dad taking the kids hiking?  Go with - sometimes.  Wouldn't it be nice to stay home and relax while the kids are at that movie?  Yes, but they also need to see that you enjoyed spending your free time with them.  They don't always want to seem like the thing you were most eager to get a break from.  
  • Don't be phased by all of the creative and Pinterest worthy activities you see on the internet.  It's fun to do something special for birthdays or IMPORTANT holidays, but your kids aren't going to be sad that your house didn't rock a red, white and blue breakfast for flag day.  Stretch yourself too thin, and there's nothing left.  And honestly, whose REAL life is that well put together?  Not mine! Balloons and streamers for birthdays, traditions for Christmas and Easter.  Your kids will adore you.  
  • Most importantly, tell your kids that you love them.  Daily.  Take that one step further by telling them WHY you love them.  One of my favorite questions to ask my kids is, "Do you know why I love you?"  They come up with some really amazing answers.  Then I get to say things like, "I love you for being such a great big sister.  That makes me so proud."  They BEAM, and you know that they know. 

3 comments:

Jenny said...

I love all of those! One thing that I have tried to do but I really struggle with, but I don't know if other people have this problem, is never saying anything negative about your children to others, and to let my kids hear me saying good things about them.

Granted, when I talk to teachers and doctors about behaviors that is different than complaining to friends or family or other children, but I can still think about how I'm saying it when I need to communicate where they are struggling.

I have a friend with adult children and I grew up with her kids I've never heard her say a negative thing about them ever. And she has had some hard things with some of her kids like rehab and mental illness, among others. I wish it weren't so hard for me!

Elder Richey said...

Jen,
That's a really good one, too. My grandpa recently printed up his journals and gave them to family to have and to read. My mom was talking to me about it and said that one big thing she'd noticed was that my grandpa never said a negative thing about people--not even in his journals. It really made me think and made me want to be better in that area. I think you are right, we need to be our children's biggest champions.

Unknown said...

The heaven eleven alllllright :) I like these they are good